I Release Thee, My Love

I broke up with Tammy finally, in an email the day before yesterday: I can't be selfish and try to pressure her to give me another chance when her heart is full of trepidation and is weighed down by a train of painful memories. Also I cannot allow myself to turn to shrapnel, waiting for her to drop the axe, as it were. My hope is that once she sees that I am working to buff out the rough edges to my psyche and behavior, and after I make considerable progress doing so, she may lose her trepidation and will allow a ray of hope to pierce the mantle of gloom I have laid upon her. Maybe, but I must also bear in mind that for her it may ultimately be too late and the damage too great; and though I contend that few wounds cannot heal, and indeed that feelings can be to some measure generated by will, unless she is of this mind also then this particular dream is shattered. But the shattering of a dream is not the end of all dreams, and indeed sometimes a thing must be destroyed for a new thing to become, though at the time one often cannot know it.

That I am here is an excellent example of that. I live in an Oxford House, which is a house of men who are dedicated to abstinence from all intoxicants, such that if a man lapses he is kicked out. While the living situation is somewhat crowded, there being two persons per room and roughly 14 per house, it is surprisingly less so than I thought, and this residential capacity results in cheap rent: $230/month! Not only that, but I have an opportunity to further cultivate social skills, including much-needed tolerance and forbearance. When Tammy and I moved out on April 31st, I was originally headed for the TPI shelter downtown, from there to save my money and move into a room or studio. When I lost control of my emotions and decided to get shitty drunk, I ended up in jail, whereupon after I got out and went to work to tell my boss, a friend of his got me into this place. Fate is a strange thing that will betimes lay waste to a great citadel, and out of utter ruination raise yet another.

Incidentally, for those interested in getting into an Oxford House, 30 days' abstinence is required to get into one. I lied to get in out of desperation, and while I am not pleased with having done so, the deed is done and I am confident that I will prove to be solid in my commitment to abstinence. Maybe one day in the distant future I will reveal my falsehood and seek forgiveness.